GRIEF

is there a way to explain
i don't think there is
i miss my son, my baby, my everything

people don't understand
they say they do, but unless you've been there,
you don't
thank god you don't

i want him back so badly that it hurts
i pray i will see him in a crowd and that i
was just dreaming this nightmare
i wish i could wake up

i look for him late at night when i am supposed
to be sleeping
who sleeps, without pills, there is no sleeping
i wait for him to come to me, but he doesn't

i call his name and tell him it's ok, but still he doesn't

why did he go away, he was still a child
what kind of deity or god would take away my beautiful
boy
there is none, that must be the answer

where is my son
why can't i see or talk to him
he was thee most important thing in my life
now he's gone and i cannot, will not accept it

the bereaved parents say you have to accept it
i will not
i wonder what's the point sometimes
why go to work
why have friends
why pay bills
why why why
all mundane

then i think of my dd and i know that i cannot leave
her
she has had more than her share and i will not do that
to her
she would be so lost and sad without me

i need to take a break........

apparently a long break....
i miss you alex
my beautiful boy
when will i see you again?

please make it soon....i hate
living without you
i have put my feelings in the "box"
and i refuse to take the lid off

how am i supposed to do that and survive
at the same time
you were my everything and i love you so
much

just let me see and hear and talk to you again
please alex please....

Smothered

Feelings of inadequacy

Feelings of loss and sorrow

Feelings of guilt and shame



Tried to change them and make them right

Don't know if it's too late for that

SAD



No privacy ever

Need privacy everyday

How do you explain this to someone else

Need 5 mins



Want you to leave so that I may be alone

Feel bad

Want to say it



Can't even grieve in peace

Putting it off for awhile now

Can't have privacy, can't grieve

Support is nice, but need ALONE time



Been distracting myself with other forms of entertainment

Avoiding grieving at all costs

Liquid form

Form of flesh

Sometimes lies

Always a fake smile



Wanting to know my "inner thoughts"

Those are mine

I don't want to share those with him

Why would I

Why am I the only one that works

I have so much anger

Its building



My Bean would be so disappointed

I know he knows from where he is

He wants to know how I always end up this way

When will i make good choices



Probably never Bean

At least it seems that way now

Don't lose hope

At least he is nice and no abuse in any way, shape or form

You know him

He's a good person, just so smothering



I don't like smothering

I need time

Distance

Space

My own........

I don't have the means as of now......

Or probably the strength....



I like to think i am strong

and independent

I AM

I have come so far from the 21 year old married girl with a child

the light of her life

I have endured

I will endure again

Just give me space, time, and air

He won't though

He doesn't get it or really understand me at all

I was wrong



Just because you're nice and not abusive

doesn't mean your "the one".......

Misguided intentions once again.......................

Help, I am being smothered..............................................................